:) - The Smiley
A classic emoticon, the smiley is also noted for being the less threatening. It can be used between lovers, friends, friends with benefits, coworkers, and, in extreme circumstances, best friends in sexual relationships who share benefits of working at the same office. That said, its playfulness can at times backfire from overuse, and in certain cases, exhibit weakness.
Good usage example:
Bad usage example:
:P - The Extruding Tongue
A step up from the smiley, The Extruding Tongue is a perfect fit if you like to tease the person you’re trying to net. It’s playful, but not weak. It ensures your jokes don’t go unmissed and that teasing her about her large bottom comes off as “alpha” and “confident” rather than “being a giant fucking arsehole”. “:P” functions as a plausibly deniable flirtation technique, comparable to saying “We should totally be screwing each others brains out, but it’s also okay if we don’t.”
Good usage example:
Bad usage example:
;) - The Winky Face
By far the most forward of all the emoticons, it is also the most risky. Using a “;)” the first time you talk to someone is like slapping your semi erect cock onto a restaurant table and asking “anyone?”. The winky face means sex. Nothing else. No exceptions. Feel free to whip it out after you’re at least established a good rapport, otherwise you might find your hopeful date to be busting out the pepper spray and informing her local law enforcement of a new addition to the sex offenders registry.
Good usage example:
Bad usage example:
^__^ - Happyface/Frogface/Whatever
I don’t even know. Seriously. Stop using this face. It makes you look like a girl. Or retarded.
But then again, I guess that worked for Tom Hanks.
Stares into a mirror and considers shaving off his beard. Buries the idea.
Uses Gimp to see what he’d look like without a beard. Remembers watching someone use Photoshop. Harbours deep and shameful envy.
Takes a nap. Wakes to find someone with an identical beard to his shaving Stallman’s off. Angrily demands an explanation. The man says beards should be free to be copied, distributed and modified by anyone. Concedes defeat.
Meets up with Lawerence Lessig, then quickly tires of his grovelling. Tells him again that he’s doing a wonderful job, and thanks him for retiring the sampling and developed nations licence. Watches his eyes light up.
Encodes a video one of his speeches in Theora. Looks at both the video quality, and then the file size. Sighs. Begins a familiar fantasy of using x264.
Recognised on the street by an adoring teenage fan. Fan tells him how much he loves open source software, and that he uses Linux. He snaps. Begins beating fan with an umberella yelling ”It’s called free software, not open source, and it’s GNU/Linux! What’s wrong with you people?!”
Recompiles Hurd kernel at the FSF offices. Someone walks past holding coffee and says “Again?”
Police arrive, arresting him for his earlier assault on a teen. Stallman swears loudly. He hopes he isn’t raped in Prison.
Prison. Inmate kind of recognises him. Stallman explains what his contributions to the free software community. Inmate exclaims,”That’s right, I do know you! You’re Linus Torvalds!”. Stallman wishes he was raped.
Bailed out with FSF donation funds. Tired the day’s adventures, Stallman retires for an early night. He ponders his philosophy. Is all the stringent adherence to freedom really worth it? Should I focus more on improving my own programs rather than writing anti iPad posts? No, he decides. I’m strong. I’m focused. I’m sticking behind my ideals and principles because, above all, those beliefs have got me where I am today. His passion burning in his eyes, Stallman drifts off to sleep, content and ready to take on the next day.
"Oh fuck this! I’m torrenting CS5."
6. It’s In List Format
On the internet, attention spans are short. “Entertain me IMMEDIATELY” the internet surfer exclaims, annoyed that a slow burning humour article might eat into his precious YouTube watching and masturbating time. So the article is broken into sub headings. That way, even a quick scroll gives you all the wikipedia sourced information you need without having to endure “paragraphs” and “punchlines”.
5. The Headline Is Catchy. In a “Something My Mum Emailed Me” Kind of Way.
When financing your own website, hits are well and truly everything. So beyond holding children hostage until everyone clicks on your Twitter link, it’s prudent to come up with heading that no one in their right mind wouldn’t click. “7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital? I HAVE TO see this. 8 Movie Special Effects You Won’t Believe Aren’t CGI? Ha! You don’t know, me Cracked! I’ll believe it!”. At this point, Cracked could put out an article called 10 Reasons Everyone Clicking This Link Will Instantly Grow Larger Genitals and Triple Their Bank Accounts and no one would bat an eyelid. Nor notice any significant changes to their penis size.
4. You’re Looking at a Stock Picture of Boobs and You’re Not Sure Why
Two things must have happened. Either Cracked’s head editor got smashed off his face one night and licensed a ton of shutter stock images, or there exists a long standing bet between between writers about how much they can make their editors pay in licensing fees. In any case, Cracked articles love to pepper their witty content with mostly irrelevant images of models reacting to tennis ratchets. Or being angry with their hair. Or just leaning forward with cleavage spilling out of their tops. Because who’s going to scroll past that?
3. You’ve Learned More About History Than You Ever Did In High School
There’s something intrinsically boring about the past. That is, until the most interesting parts are sandwiched next to each other and retold with badass diction (read, swearing) and a faux maddox style of voice. No one cares about a Roman Senator rising to the ranks of power through popular support and subtle manipulation, but when you phrase it like “This motherfucker sweet talked his way into the political pants of EVERY SINGLE crotchety old roman and the actual pants their hot wives.” it’s surprising how much of the ancient history timeline you let sink in.
2. You Skipped The Second Last List Item
Because who wants to read that bullshit when you can find out what number 1 is?
1. The last hour of your life is gone forever.
Because fuck you, Other Articles You May Enjoy. Fuck you for distracting my from my overdue essay.
Anonymous said: HAHAHAHAHAH YOU SO FUNNY WITH YOUR LONG ASS REPLY. No one cares. I'll see you in 10 years a dingy club where you have two people watching your 'comedy'. Ill be the one throwing money at you to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Anonymous said: You're not even funny.
I’m glad you brought this up, Anon. It reminded me that most of my followers probably aren’t aware of my Lock In Following Contract, which by following me, you automatically agree to. It’s a bit wordy, so I’ll summarize a few key points.
• I The Tweeter am legally required to provide you with only high quality tweets specifically tailored to your sense of humour. Silly puns or dad jokes are strictly forbidden.
• As a Follower, you are entitled to these tweets as often as you deem necessary. Failure on my part to deliver represents a breach of the Lock In Following Contract.
• Under no circumstances may The Follower unfollow The Tweeter if the contract is breached. Instead, The Follower must complain to The Tweeter, and remember to take the important world of dicking about on Twitter as seriously as possible.
• If the Lock In Following Contract is breached, The Follower is entitled to a refund of any expenses associated with following The Tweeter, including electricity for phone charging and mobile data plans.
I’m sorry you feel this way, Follower. To claim your refund, feel free to forward your PayPal details to firstname.lastname@example.org
Mum said I could use this thing called “The Internet”. Not sure what that means. If I ask you to find me fun games and funny pictures, is that okay?
Hmm, also, “chat with friends”. Thinking about getting an email address too. “Hotmail, right?”
Oh shit! You didn’t tell me you were hiding pictures of women! Can I have Hot Girl Boobs please? What’s safesearch? Sorry I’m taking so long to type this, I keep looking over my shoulder when cars go down my street.
Shit, also can you tell me How To Delete History Internet Explorer? The other day mum had bang bros auto complete when she typed “banking”.
Hey, me again. Looking for MySpace themes. I’m going to make mine totally pimped! Fuck it looks boring now. And I love having you in the corner of my Firefox window, Google. So convenient. Btw, if you could find some resume templates, that’d be great, mum says I have to get a job if I want to keep going to the movies. I think the pharmacy is hiring.
Oh, MSN calls! Becky from Science is talking to me! How do you make a your DP a cool animation?
Gtg gtg gtg.
FML. Free porn movies. Hot girl naked. Sex video 69. Any of those, Google. And how to hack myspace accounts. And how to make a website. Is beckyisabitch.com taken?
Oh man, I need to find this Bored of Studies site. Where is it? Also, thanks so much for the sparknotes link during my last assignment. English is a wank. Stupid HSC. Do you have any quotes from Hamlet? The main ones should be okay.
The Facebook.com. Looks interesting. Also, what are good beers to bring to a party? Dad keeps telling me Carlton Light.
Cya round. Man I am so hooked on this internet thing.
Oh! Google! Christ it’s been a long time. I haven’t used you in years. You were like the start page on the internet, the wallmart greeter of the world wide web. I even liked you when you got too close. When you started selling my data to advertisers. When you bought out little companies and extended your tight fist of control to every aspect of my computing life. I used you to talk to people, to get emails, to organise my calendar, to watch videos and get directions. You’re like an extension of myself, and with your tailor made search results, almost like the one friend who really got me.
Hmm. What to search? Apparently the simulated search here works just like the old one does. Thank YOU Google’s datacentre. All of the 2011’s Internet and it’s at my finger tips. This is like a time machine. This is fascinating. Hmm.
Anal Sluts 19.
Anonymous said: I'm contemplating on whether I should make a tumblr because I enjoyed reading yours so much that I want to click the follow button. What to do, what to do...
Hi Anon! Thankfully, it’s really easy to make a tumblr, and super simple to get acquainted with the community. Here are a few easy to follow steps to get started.
Oh, and I’ll give you about a month before you discover the porn blogs.
Anonymous said: I think you're beautiful.
AND you write lists. Just wow.
AND I write lists? I had no idea this was such a sought after trait. This changes everything. In honour of you, anon, here are some lists I wrote that I just happened to have lying around.
A List Of Things I Was Doing Before I Received This Tumblr Message
A List Of Things I Was Doing While Reading This Tumblr Message
A List Of Things I’ll Be Doing Now I’ve Read And Replied To This Tumblr Message
So, yeah, anon. I think a thank you is in order.
There are many excellent things born out of camera phones and mobile internet connections. On the fly photo journalism, for example. Or upskirt shots. Sadly, giving the masses the chance to photo blog their mostly boring lives has lead to a rather regrettable trend.
I can understand the desire to take photos of the sky. Quite often, the sky looks beautiful, with luscious hues at sundown, or maybe a heavenly looking cloud break. But the problem with 90% of sky shots is that they all look exactly the same. Yes, yours. Every. Single. One. It’s like seeing the profile pictures album of a post-myspace 15 year old girl who decided to spend one evening taking identical photos of her insecure face at marginally different angles. And sure, the way the clouds light up may look incredible at the time, but that magic is rarely captured through either the lens of a $50 Big W Nokia Prepaid phone or a iPhone with a generic hipstergrammed vignette filter.
For example, let’s look at a photo I randomly selected from an anonymous Twitter user, @battledinosaur.
Now I have no doubt that her backyard looked far more ominous when the photo was taken, but it just doesn’t show. It’s a boring photo. But all hope is not lost! You see, this simple photo of a backyard can easily because something awesome.
First, I applied a few curves and masks to really bring out the blacks. I pushed the saturation levels up to 11, and applied a shadows and highlights filter. For those not technically savvy, this is the photoshop equivalent of pouring hot sauce, mustard and sweet chilli onto a piece of devon. Subtly be damned. Already, I could start to see an improvement.
It looks better, but it’s still not quite interesting. And besides, battledinosaur said it looked like the world was on fire. I wanted to be true to her original vision. So I added some flames with my finely tuned photoshop skills. It turned out wonderfully.
I was happy with my creation, until I realised I was being too literal. Sure it looks like the world is on fire, but I can’t really feel it. I started to wonder how I’d react in that situation. How would I feel. I let it all out.
It was on a roll. The picture was finally getting the awesome it deserved. And yet, there was still something missing. The picture needed too much context. It wasn’t merely interesting in his own right. So I decided to go all out. It’s time to think of the most interesting things I can put in a picture. I sweated over the image. I subtly adjusted edges and shadings until, finally, I was done with my masterpiece.
I think it’s a clear improvement on the original, don’t you?
The ‘Talks On A Phone On Public Transport’ Douche
The first rule of public transport: no one wants to listen to you bitching to a friend about Centrelink, or having to pay for your kid’s school excursion because you didn’t pay for contraception 12 years ago. In light of this, I don’t start phone calls on buses, but I can’t help but answer them, even when I have to utter “I’m on a bus” under several layers of redundancy. Way to make enthralling conversation for the eavesdroppers, Jared. Time to train my manager in texting, or at least work out a code so I can respond to “Are you coming in to work today?” with “I got the results of the test back - I definitely have breast cancer”.
The “Runs Across Intersections Making Cars Stop For Him” Douche.
Usually, I’ll only ignore the little red man when I’m in a hurry, but doing it once is like a gateway drug to an uncontrollable jaywalking addiction. You feel like a free spirit as you watch the other pedestrians stranded on either side of the road like wolves and chickens in an overused team building problem solving hypothetical. Thankfully, going back to following the rules only takes the realisation that you can’t see around corners, coupled with an embarrassing speed trot to the other side.
The “Plays With His Ultra Bright Smartphone In A Cinema” Douche.
Lighthouses may have fallen out of pop culture awareness lately, but they’re on the brink of resurgence in the form of people digging an iPhone out of their pocket to text “OMG LOL WTF” to their friend while blinding their neighbouring cinema patron who’d given up on armchair dominance long before the slideshow ads for local businesses had even begun. To be fair, if you were one of the 6 people attending Trash Humpers at an indie cinema, you’ve got to expect they’ll be at least one person trying to check into Foursquare while the opening credits are rolling.
The “Wears A Skinny Tie To A Bar” Douche
Because I wear ties now. Ties are cool.