Inflatable Nerd

How To Talk About Literary Classics You’ve Never Actually Read

Emma - Jane Austen

This one’s tricky, because it depends on the company you’re with, but generally everyone hates Jane Austen. Remember to dismiss it as shallow feminism still steeped in patriarchal traditions, and not just “Man, Jane Austen really needed to get laid.”

The House Of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski

Start with a simple “No one has ever utilised the medium of a book better than Danielewski”. Make an Inception joke about the footnotes, and talk about how the XKCD parody “really stripped the book’s emotional core for the sake of some cheap superficial jokes”. Watch everyone nod with furrowed brows.

Ulysses - James Joyce

There’s apparently a really long sentence in that novel. Just learn the first 200 words of that, and chances are people will have to stop you before they find out you never went beyond this book’s Wikipedia page.

Naked Lunch - William S Burroughs

The good thing about Naked Lunch is how easy it is to change the subject. Talk about Burroughs himself. Then Ginsberg. Then The Beat Generation, and before you know it, you’ll be talking about Bob Dylan songs, and how you think All Along The Watchtower is the best poetry you’ve ever read, even if Jimmy Hendrix did a better version.

Walden - David Thoreau

Thankfully, because it’s not a work of fiction, there’s no need to memorise character names or complex plots. Just talk about that thing with the ants, anarchism, and how Thoreau’s limited government message remains true even today. Then set up a neck-beard joke, and frown intensely at anyone who takes the bait and laughs.

On A Winters Night A Traveller - Italo Calvino

Remember, never start discussion on this novel with it’s comedic opening paragraphs. That’s a rookie error. It shows you never read past the first chapter. Instead, probe the other person to mention that section, then dismiss it with “oh, well I guess it’s kinda cute, but the novel’s latter parodies of pulp paperback fiction are what really cement the satire and meta postmodern theme.”

The 120 Days Of Sodom - Marquis de Sade

Just watch the movie. Then talk about how the movie paled in comparison to the original text’s unflinching attacks on Italy’s facist government, all the while insisting the draft sections are “the most pure in form”. “Of course it’s disturbing” you must say “but it’s completely justified given the novel’s depth”.

In Search of Lost Time - Marcel Proust

Don’t worry about this one, no one else has read it either. They all just started, gave up after the first 20 pages and decided to refer to it as “difficult, probably very good”. Talk about how long it is, and use the word “modernism” several times in each sentence.

With these invaluable tips, you’re well on your way to nailing that English Major you met at that party once.